From Out Of Nowhere

                                                                                              

Cheap Trick escaped death this week when a storm blew down their stage at the Ottawa Blues Festival. Lou and I love Cheap Trick but we can’t help but think this is God’s vengeance for the success of The Flame. Either that or God is still angry over the Jon Brandt era.

Prince is curator of a music festival in Denmark. We’d tell you more but honestly, we lost interest in Prince right after The Gold Experience. Around here we like to refer to him as “the artist formerly known as interesting.”

A recently released biography of David Bowie has outraged fans of the rock icon. “There’s nothing about Bowie in at all!” raved long time Bowie fan Martin Von Nostrand. “It’s just a bunch of stories about Marc Bolan, Iggy Pop and Roxy Music.” We contacted the book’s publisher and were advised that since Bowie ripped off those particular artists the author found it would be more interesting and successful if it was sold as a Bowie biography.

Rolling Stone magazine has unveiled its Top 100 Records of the 2000’s list and to the surprise of no one, Insane Clown Posse failed to make the cut.

American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert will be the focus of a new Behind the Music episode on VH-1. We used to enjoy BtM but there’s already been an extensive TV profile of Adam Lambert. It was called American Idol.

Reports from the road are calling Motley Crue’s summer run an overwhelming success, stating that the band hasn’t sounded this good in years.  “It’s like they’ve went back in time and captured their early energy!” Stated CrueFan69 in a recent post on a Motley fan board.  “Vince is singing every fourth word!!  It’s like I went back to 1985!!!” 

The extreme heat wave blanketing the Midwestern United States is being cited as the prime factor in an Indiana assault case.  A 37-year-old Fort Worth man brutally attacked a man in broad daylight in front of multiple witnesses.  We had a few quick words with the alleged perpetrator at his arraignment trial.  “The heat didn’t really have much to do with it,” replied the man charged, “I was in a bad mood after dropping $19.99 on that stupid Eddie Trunk book.  I saw some douchebag walking down the street wearing an Umphrey’s McGee tee shirt and something in me snapped.  I fucking hate Umphrey’s McGee, what a stupid fucking name.  Whenever I hear that band mentioned, my blood boils.  Combine that with my rage after reading Eddie’s book where page after page he name-drops who he’s friends with and I just snapped.  Don’t blame the heat, blame Eddie Trunk and Umphrey’s McGee.  Poison listed as an essential hard rock band?!?  If I bought a Martin Popoff book, I wouldn’t be in this situation right now.”

Last week residents of Los Angeles survived “Carmageddon” when portions of the infamous 405 had to be shut down for repair. As if that wasn’t enough of an inconvenience traffic in LA will be tied up again this weekend as taping of the new season of VH-1 Classic’s That Metal Show begins. A source in the California Department of Transportation tells us that star Eddie Trunk’s ego is so massive that not only does he tie up street traffic but his head is so far In the clouds it forces air traffic to be re-routed to accommodate it.

The depressed economy is having a huge impact on every business. Even the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland isn’t immune. To help compensate for declining attendance, the Rock Hall has begun delivering pizza and wings as well as serving as a shrine to Jann Wenner approved rockers. Assistant Curator Tommy Carcetti tells us it was a tough decision to begin offering pizza and wings but he feels justified by the tasty pies the Hall is serving up. “We were really clever with our marketing. If you want 4 toppings you ask for a Beatles…if you want an extra large pie you order the Leslie West.” As for the wings Carcetti suggests the Paul McCartney sauce with some celery and R.E.M. blue cheese dressing.  The newly renamed Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame and Pizzeria is open seven days a week and expects to begin serving subs (they’ll call ‘em Plaster Casters) within the next few weeks.

Fresh off successful guest turns on The Wire and Treme, we’re hearing Steve Earle has been signed to play the wacky neighbor on the latest Tyler Perry program on TBS.

We caught up with Phineas and Ferb creators when it was announced that Slash would be animated for the Disney show and asked them if they have any other rockers in mind for future episodes.  While not a regular thing, they said that occasional appearances are possible.  They also hinted that they’ve already scripted the final episode for when the time comes to end the animated show.  They didn’t give us details but hinted that it will include guest stars Great White. 

Proving that the recent US heat wave even gets to the best of us. During a recent visit to the US, the Dalai Lama attended a peace rally with singer-songwriter Jackson Browne and commented, “It’s so hot and miserable even I would punch Daryl Hannah.”

Data from the United States Census reveals that there are over 2,000 versions of LA Guns in this country alone.

Congratulations to former Warrant singer Jani Lane on his work on the HBO hit Curb Your Enthusiasm. No, Jani wasn’t actually in an episode of the show but we hear he did a bang up job assisting the catering company.

Manowar’s tour of the UK is being sponsored by KY “His & His” lubricant.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers revealed they have written over 70 songs for their new record and that “none of them are worth a damn.”

While there has been much talk about a Beatles reunion at the 2012 London Olympic Games, Sammy Hagar says he has been offered “3 cases of Schlitz” for a Van Hagar reunion at the 2012 Paralympics in Butte, Montana. You can catch Hagar and his band Chickenfoot on tour this summer at a KFC near you.

KAYOS will be releasing unreleased songs recorded by Ronnie James Dio in 1971. Wendy Dio tells us she has thousands of hours of home movies of Ronnie that she’s compiling for a 100 DVD box set. Dio fans will be able to see candid moments of the heavy metal legend at home…watching TV…painting pictures of rainbows and dragons…and pleasuring himself to midget pornography.

Bob Seger’s Fall tour of the US is being sponsored by AARP.

Guns n’ Roses will be headling Rock in Rio on October 2^nd unless they don’t show up. In which case fans will be treated to a performance by Jackyl.

All seven fans of the Florida Marlins are in for a treat as Yngwie Malmsteen is scheduled to throw out the first pitch before the home team takes on the St. Louis Cardinals. Kudos to the Marlins for giving their small Cuban immigrant fan base what they wanted. We here at the Back Pages hope that more Major League Baseball teams follow the Marlins and have obscure overrated guitar players as a ballpark promotion. We’re sure Milwaukee’s heavy German population is anxiously awaiting Michael Schenker night.

Limp Bizkit has changed it’s name to Bizkit due to Fred Durst’s successful penile implant surgery.

Mr. Big has announced a VIP Package for fans who attend their upcoming shows. VIP purchasers receive a ticket to the show, a meet and greet with the band, photographs, autographs,  a t-shirt, guitar picks, a pint of Eric Martin’s blood, Scientology instruction from Billy Sheehan, a side of beef, one case of beer, one carton of smokes, and one hug each from Paul Gilbert and Pat Torpey. All of these great gifts are available at the low price of $19.95. Fans who order two weeks in advance of the show will also receive the opportunity to drive Mr. Big’s tour bus.

Lemmy Kilmister says he’s slept with over a 1,000 women over the years. The always competitive Paul Stanley says that’s nothing. He’s slept with over 2,000 Filipino boys .

Secret Stuff! When slow ticket sales left one of the last New Wave of British Heavy Metal Bands “high and dry” we’re hearing they drew straws to see which band member would announce the death of a parent. While fans of the band went into mass “hysteria” at the news we’re told the band didn’t want a “wasted” opportunity for sympathy and publicity.  After the announcement of a death in the family, the band saw ticket sales for remaining shows “adrenalized.” This marks two summers in a row the band was able to cancel shows under the guise of “death of a parent” and we suspect that if need be the band will execute a family member on stage if it means higher ticket sales.

Uriah Heep plans to release Live in Armenia in September. We’re particularly excited about this release as it marks the first time any band has ever been proud of the fact it was playing in Armenia.

In one last final heat-related piece, due to high-power consumption demands, AEP has requested that the Electric Light Orchestra go by just Orchestra during peak energy periods.