From Out Of Nowhere

                                                                                              

After their beloved Canucks lost the Stanley Cup to the Boston Bruins, thousands of Vancouver residents took to the streets and rioted. Fans were not content with damaging property and marched to a nearby bar where they executed a Triumph cover band.  No criminal charges have been filed because everyone knows silencing Triumph, even a Triumph cover band, is a triumph for people with good taste in music.

Let me take you higher but the shit aint’ mine-Sly Stone pleaded not guilty to possession of cocaine charges. In other legal news, OJ Simpson still proclaims his innocence.

Versailles Records to release Tributed! – A Tribute to Tribute Albums.

Two people died at the Bonnaroo festival and authorities have yet to determine a cause but have narrowed it down to the hot weather or the fact the deceased realized they were attending a show headlined by Widespread Panic.

The highly anticipated tour pairing of Motley Crue and Poison is off and rolling! “We should have been touring with these guys for years” Nikki Sixx told us “because when Poison opens up for you , no matter how drunk and lousy your singer is you’re gonna come off better because those dudes suck.” We tried to reach Bret Michaels for a rebuttal however the wigdana sporting singer was busy filming a new reality show where he chooses one lucky lady to give a STD to.

Green Day will star in the movie version of their album turned Broadway musical American idiot. You were expecting Sarah Palin or Anthony Weiner?

The Red Hot Chili Peppers have released the track list for their new album. We’d list the songs but we no longer acknowledge the Peppers after their drummer participated in Sammy Hagar’s “super group” Chickenfoot.

In one of the most bizarre stories ever covered by the O’Neal family (at least since a shark raped Led Zeppelin…despite what you may have read, the truth is the shark forced itself on a drugged Jimmy Page), two men were arrested for trying to kill Joss Stone. We could not understand why anyone would want to harm a relatively unknown singer like Joss Stone . We contacted our cousin, private investigator, Louis “Bunk” O’Neal and we can confirm the two would be killers were confused. They were actually trying to kill Josh Groban.

Stoner Metal fan runs out of pot, stumbles across The Voice, freaks out.
Glen Tusco of Cleveland, Ohio recently emerged from his basement after a four-month long cannabis-fueled jam session to find his elderly mother watching the breakout television hit The Voice.  Neighbors were woken to the sight of a befuddled Tusco wandering up and down the street muttering to himself.  Police were called to the scene and reported that Tusco, 38, was disoriented and borderline incoherent.  “He kept mumbling, ‘What the hell is a Cee Lo? This shit is harshing my buzz!’, over and over.” Reported an arresting officer.  “His mother told us that since April he’s rarely come out of her basement rec room.  Evidently he got a new release by some band called Pentagram. He told his mother he was going to have the ‘mother of all jams’ and to just leave a Little Caesar’s pizza in the stairwell every other day.  His pot supply was running low, so he emerged to meet his dealer and found his mom watching that new singing show; evidently he has issues with American Idol-type reality shows.  He got visibly upset and tore out of the house in a bit of a rage.  We found him in the street shouting, ‘This is so not Metal!’”  There is no word yet on when Drover’s mother plans to bail him out of the local jail.

Secret Stuff! You’ll have whiplash once you read this! One of the all time great metal bands which sacrificed it’s “street cred” when they made a tell all documentary, has teamed up with someone with a “velvety” background and a “wild side” for a new record. Who is mastering this puppet and when it will ride the lightning to release is still up in the air. Our sources tell us that the project may be a note for note remake or perhaps even a sequel to Kiss’ infamous Music from the Elder.

The makers of Monopoly have announced plans for a version based on AC/DC. You can use the thimble…I’ve got dibs on using the game piece depicting Angus dropping his pants….or perhaps the vomiting Bon Scott.

Former Guns n’ Roses and current Adler’s Appetite drummer Steven Adler has announced he’ll be appearing on the new season of Celebrity Rehab. This is Adler’s third go-around on the show and it makes him the clear odds on favorite to follow in the footsteps of Jeff Conaway and Mike Starr and die after appearing on the show. We’re hearing if Adler fails to get thru rehab this time around he’ll be replaced by Matt Sorum.

We’re hearing the new Chicago album will be a Pottery Barn exclusive.

Thin Lizzy is set to join Judas Priest on their tour of America. While Priest fans continue to moan about the departure of KK Downing, Lizzy fans are still subjected to a lineup that does not feature Phil Lynott.  The Back Pages attended a séance in which a medium attempted to speak with Lynott’s spirit but after three hours the medium gave up and told us “Lynott’s spirt was babbling incoherently and I could actually feel him spinning in his grave.”  If there are any black Irishman who can sing please contact Thin Lizzy management because this tribute act makes what passes for Journey seem authentic.

Scientists trying to determine a common link among suicide victims have determined 90 percent of all people who attempt to kill themselves were exposed to an Eagles song within 2 hours of their suicide attempt.

Ozzy Osbourne has agreed to make a dying fan’s last wish come true. The self-proclaimed “prince of darkness” has agreed to bite the head off Glenn Danzig.

Our source in the Van Halen camp tells us recording on their new album is finished and the band’s first record with David Lee Roth since Michael Landon was acting on Highway to Heaven and not actually living in Heaven is now in the mixing stage. Our source tells us that the tunes sound great and credits the deep prostate massages David Lee Roth has been receiving from two Fillipino midgets as a big reason why.