It’s been a rough couple months for metal gods Judas Priest. First guitarist KK Downing left the band on the eve of the their “farewell” tour and then the group was accused of being “sellouts” after appearing on the season finale of American Idol. We were recently invited to join frontman Rob Halford on the set of Ram it Down, an autobiographical pornographic film of Halford’s life. “I get people being upset about KK leaving, we’re all upset about it…but to call us sellouts? That’s just daft man….we sold out when we made Turbo.”

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While we didn’t attend Rocklahoma this year (Oklahoma and tornados are bad on our luxurious hair), we are considering going on this year’s Monsters of Rock cruise featuring Kix, Cinderella, Y&T, Keel and others. We did some research and the cruise ship is beautiful. Unlike the Titanic, not only does it come with plenty of lifeboats, it also has a “life singer.” Jizzy Pearl will be kept in storage on the cruise in the event one of the bands needs to replace their singer.

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Guitar World Magazine announces new larger format, promises smaller words and bigger print.  Responding to reader complaints that the current magazine was too hard to comprehend and follow, the magazine proudly displayed the new bigger look.  “Many readers had problems with the line spacing; it seems they kept losing their place when reading the monthly columns.” Stated a GW editor, “They also complained about words with too many letters and also not enough articles on Steve Vai or Joe Satriani.”  In response the magazine presented the revamped Guitar World with triple-spaced 28 point font columns.  “Not only is the print bigger,” they enthused, “but the words are smaller, which should make for a more rewarding experience for our readers.”  Each issue will also contain a collectable Steve Vai poster in every issue.

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The Back Pages and From Out of Nowhere don’t have any problems with bands reuniting. It’s a tough economy and the artists need to eat. We make an exception though in the case of Queen. Paul Rodgers, touring solo this summer, says he and the other members of discussing renewing their relationship. We think the legacy of Queen would be better served by attempting to clone Freddie Mercury or better yet by promising George Michael all the drugs and bathroom hookups he can stand for one tour and one album. Let’s face it; it ain’t Queen unless it’s fronted by one

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On Wednesday, June 8, Aerosmith bassist Tom Hamilton will be joining in on a live twitter chat with fans of the band.  Management encourages fans to submit questions for Tom but they will not be accepting the following queries: “Which one are you again?”  “Hey, how’s Joe Perry?” and “What time is Steven Tyler logging on?”

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Yes have announced their first new record in over a decade. Let us speak for everyone when we say the last 10 years have been fantastic and that we believe that it is no coincidence that the last Yes record came out in the same year that the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 occurred. Yes has been terrorizing people with musical taste for years. The good thing is that they’ll publicize their tour dates so the Navy Seals will have no problem finding them.

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Sammy Hagar, still making the rounds to publicize his new book, says not only was he asked to join Motley Crue and Pantera but he was once asked to join the Village People as a bartender. Sounds like this was the perfect gig for Sammy because if there is one thing we know Sammy is good at, it’s sucking!

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Former jam-wearing hard rockers Anthrax have released a tentative release date of September 13 for their long-awaited release Worship Music.  The band has also released a tentative termination date for vocalist Joey Belladonna of September 25.

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For the 7 people left that still care, it appears that the Dokken reunion of George Lynch an Don Dokken has been scrapped.  We caught up with George coming out of GNC and he told us, “I was stacking on my current steroid cycle, which causes me to get a bit moody, he mocked my Mr. Scary guitar, so I flushed his wig down the toilet.  After he fished his syrup out of the bowl, he stormed out and said the reunion was off.” 

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Guns n Roses guitar player Ron “Bumblefoot” Thal escaped serious injury when his car collided with a truck that was carrying unsold copies of Chinese Democracy to a city dump where they will reside for all eternity which was about as long as it took Axl Rose to make that horrible, horrible record.

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Lizzy Borden is touring the USA this summer. The Department of Homeland Security asks that you all contain your excitement.

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Secret Stuff! Run to the hills lads! One of Britain’s greatest metal bands is facing serious turmoil after their flyboy of a lead singer was caught demonstrating his expertise with his “sword” to the daughter of the band’s bassist. Now that’s what we call bringing your daughter to the slaughter! We’re told not only was the lovely lass ace’s high at the time, she is also now a member of the mile high club because this romp didn’t happen in the Rue Morgue but on the singer’s plane.

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Poet and musician Gil Scott Heron died recently at the age of 62. When news of his death was announced by the media the reaction of most people was “Who the hell is Gil Scott Heron?”

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KISS Coffeehouse celebrates 5 year anniversary.  Tommy Thayer and Eric Singer will be on hand for the festivities.  Gene Simmons won’t be there but offered us this quote, “We are all overjoyed at the coffeehouse celebrating five years of selling exclusive Kiss Coffee brands such as “Mark St. John Double Caffeine Shake” and “We Didn’t Fire Eric Carr On His Death Bed Mocha Delight”.  Many people thought this venture was another flop KISS marketing boondoggle, but as always, KISS has the last laugh.  Keep it under your hat but our insider tells us that a special promotion is brewing for the day of the party.  For $1000, you get to meet Tommy and Eric, you will then be escorted to the Private Kiss Lounge for an official Paul Stanley coffee enema.

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Fresh off the success of their last record American Idiot and a hit Broadway musical, Green Day have returned to the studio. We had a chance to catch up with band leader Billy Joe Armstrong who told us “We should have tunes for years to come since everything we do is stolen from The Ramones and Iggy Pop anyway.”

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Meanwhile Slayer has had to delay recording of its new record due to the fact guitar player Jeff Hanneman is battling a flesh eating bacteria. Doctors are stumped as to how Hanneman contracted the virus but believe it was either due to a spider bite or close contact with Lady Gaga.

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You know how to spot a Pearl Jam fan? He’s the guy with his mouth on the floor after listening to frontman Eddie Vedder’s latest solo record Ukulele Songs. We called Vedder to discuss the record but we couldn’t understand a damn thing the mumbling singer said. As best we can tell, he’s done with grunge and is aiming to replace Don Ho as Hawaii’s greatest musical icon.

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After a car he sponsored won the Indy 500 it is clear that Justin Timberlake is the luckiest bastard on the face of the earth. Hit songs, hot babes, Oscar winning movies, a successful clothing line and hilarious stints hosting Saturday Night Live can only mean for his next trick Timberlake will help the blind to see, allow the crippled to walk and revive the struggling United States economy.

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God “Too Busy” to make latest Stryper release a success.  Bible-chucking 80’s stalwarts Stryper were a bit let down by the sales numbers for their recently released disc, The Covering.  Our secret source tells us that while the band is upset at the sales performance of their latest holy offering, they understood as, “Our Savior Jesus Christ is really busy right now what with all the floods and tornados across the United States, plus He has been dealing with all the fallout from the botched end of the world prediction.  We’ve prayed on the matter and are certain that The Good Lord will give his full PR push on our next release.”