Journey fans were a bit miffed at exclusive retailer Wal-Mart when they discovered that the new album Eclipse is kept behind the pharmacy counter and fans must show ID and sign a form before purchasing.  “We had to place the new Journey release behind the counter with products that contain Pseudoephedrine, one of the main ingredients found in methamphetamine.”  Wal-Mart management claims that they are just doing their part in the war on drugs, “Small town America has been hit hard in the battle against crystal meth and we were one of the first retailers to place many over the counter cold medicines behind the pharmacy counter where their purchase can be tracked.  The DEA came to us and informed us that the majority of Journey fans are crystal meth users or producers.  While we support Journey and their exclusive relationship with Wal-Mart, we also owe a debt to our local communities, if tracking Journey fans helps halt the war on drugs, then so be it.”

Coldplay has been sending tweets out to its fans hinting at new music proving yet again, nothing good has come from Twitter.

Kiss fans were stunned this when former guitar player Vinnie Vincent was arrested for beating his wife. Just as shocking was the discovery that Vincent, who formed the Vinnie Vincent Invasion after being sacked from Kiss, was keeping the bodies of his four dead dogs sealed in plastic storage tubs in his house.  From Out of Nowhere finds Vincent’s actions toward his spouse and his pets to be especially deplorable but we believe he should not be tried in the press. However, we have long believed that Vincent should have been executed for crimes against humanity for discovering Mark Slaughter. For that we say forget the trial, blindfold the bastard, shove a cigarette in his mouth and make him listen to “Up All Night” and “Fly to the Angels” on a continuous loop until his head explodes.

Secret Stuff-Could one of this summer’s biggest package tours be falling apart because one hefty sister with a big heart refuses to stop using a controversial diet plan? NEVER! Our sources tell us it’s not a barracuda that’s to blame but the Alli plan. We’re told this dog and the butterfly saga began when this plump singer’s weight ballooned to over 400 pounds. With a tour looming and pounds to shed, she went crazy on Alli. Unfortunately, the pills, while helping her lose weight, have also caused everyone who comes in contact with her to be subjected to a horrible stench. Our source tells us “She smells like a homeless person. She is constantly eating foods that are bad for her and these damn Alli pills cause her bowels to release. It’s a horrible, horrible stench.” We’re told unless she takes this straight on and solves her colorectal problems, the tour will be flushed down the drain.

Judas Priest is set to begin a farewell tour and they have announced plan for a box set singles collection because everyone knows Judas Priest in their prime produced one chart topping single after another, especially during the Turbo and Ram It Down years.

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The band Hurricane has reformed proving yet again that the people of the world need to do something about climate change because we must prevent these natural disasters from occurring.

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The life of Bon Scott, the late great AC/DC singer has been turned into a play in his native Australia. We hear the opening night audience was captivated until a stage prop designed to replicate the vomit Bon Scott choked to death on malfunctioned and soaked the first seven rows.

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A specially edited one-minute version of Rush’s “Countdown” from the 1982 release Signals was broadcasted as a wake up call to the crew of NASA’s Space Shuttle Endeavor.  Surprisingly, the song was beamed to them at the behest of Mission Specialist Mike Fincke.  It appears that Space Madness is an actual disease.

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We caught up with Mick Fleetwood recently at an Usher show (Mick is a HUGE fan) and asked him what was going on with Fleetwood Mac. “We all know these are tough times for the music industry and bands are having to find corporate partners in order” Fleetwood told us. “We went to Starbucks, they weren’t interested…Best Buy, Wal-Mart…all of ‘em told me to piss off.” When all hope was lost, Mick looked to the Golden Arches. For a limited time this summer McDonald’s will rebrand their signature sandwich the Big Mac as the “Fleetwood Mac.” Each purchase of the sandwich will allow listeners to download the new Fleetwood Mac record for free. “To be honest” Mick said sadly, “It’s pretty much been all downhill for us ever since Tusk came out.”  UPDATE: Two days after chatting with Mick, we bumped into him coming out of the local hookah shop only to be told that the McDonalds promotion was nixed, due, quite literally to Stevie herself.  “They tested the idea in 3 markets and it turns out that consumers were turned off by the thought of ‘Stevie Nicks Special Sauce’ on their burgers.”  It looks like the public feels that Stevie’s sauce expired about 30 years ago…

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A new poll conducted by researchers at Stanford finds 9 out of 10 men who reached puberty during the 1980’s would still “pound the shit” out of Bangles singer Susanna Hoffs if given the chance.

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Another rocker has written his memoirs. Stone Temple Pilots/Velvet Revolver signer Scott Weiland claims in his new tell all tome that he “was raped as a schoolboy.” Our ears were raped everytime we hear a STP song, Scott. Two wrongs don’t make a right do they?

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Tired of waiting on Keith Richards who was busy first with his memoir and now with promoting the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie, Mick Jagger has moved on without his longtime partner and formed Super Heavy, a super group featuring one of Bob Marley’s 50 children, Joss Stone and Dave Stewart of the Eurythmics. We can only assume that Jeff Lynne must have been busy.

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Thank you to everyone who made The Back Pages lead “Free Paul Di’Anno” campaign such a success. The original front man of Iron Maiden was released after serving just two months of a nine-month sentence for benefit fraud.  The Back Pages believed Di’Anno should not be kept in jail because it prevented everyone who passed him from making fun of him for being so daft to quit Iron Maiden as they were on the verge of exploding across the world. Paul Di’Anno is the Shelly Long of rock music and his plight should be enjoyed and mocked by all not just those who live or work in correctional facilities.

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Fans of good music were stunned this week when Eddie Trunk told his Sirius/XM audience this week that he finds the Sammy Hagar era of Van Halen as equal to the David Lee Roth era. Trunk says that by 1984 he was tired of Diamond Dave’s stage antics as they were getting in the way of the music. In what we can assume is totally unrelated news, Eddie Trunk’s show is now sponsored by Cabo Wabo tequila.

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Silverchair have announced that they are calling it a day after a 20 year run. We’d say more about this development but we have no idea if Silverchair is a band or a furniture company.

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Justin Hawkins says The Darkness will be launching a world tour. We say we hope Harold Camping’s Rapture prophecy comes to fruition before this happens.

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REO Speedwagon fans can look forward to a deluxe reissue of their best selling album Hi Infidelity on July 19. We caught up to REO frontman Kevin Cronin who wanted to assure fans the package has not only been remastered but will include demos and be “twice as sappy” as the original release. Best of all the deluxe edition comes with a Gary Richrath liquor flask that enables the listener to get as blind drunk as Gary was when it came time for him to record the album.  Lou Jr. Jr. questions my sexuality when I apply my authentic Kevin Cronin hair frosting and slap this album on the stereo but we all know it takes a real man to enjoy the machismo that is REO.

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Loudness Fails To Defeat Unbeatable Banzuke

Japanese hard rockers Loudness recently failed a challenge on the newly relaunched Japanese television show Unbeatable Banzuke.  A recent show cancellation in Nashville, TN was the culprit.  We spoke to band management about the crushing defeat, “The show is a ratings giant in their homeland and the band wanted to be the first music group to win the challenge.  The show features nearly impossible tests and Loudness felt they were going to go all the way.”  What was this mighty challenge, you ask?  “Twenty One US concerts with no cancellations.  Things were going well, then the plug was pulled on the Nashville show.  I guess all the Tennessee fans came to the Pigeon Forge show.  Our demographics showed that Tennessee had a huge Loudness following.  The band is distraught over failing Unbeatable Banzuke and will finish the remainder of the tour wearing ribbons of shame.”

One bit of good news for the Nipponese shredders is that radiation levels in their tour merchandise were low enough to make it through customs.  “We don’t recommend pregnant women or anyone under the age of 12 purchase our shirts but everyone else should be good to go!”  Exclaimed band management.