The Dave Grohl lead Foo Fighters have announced a payment plan option to assist financially strapped fans a convenient way of purchasing tickets for their upcoming tour. Not to be outdone, Courtney Love, the widow of Grohl’s former Nirvana bandmate Kurt Cobain, has announced a bartering system for her upcoming tour. Fans that bring her crystal meth will be able to attend shows without spending any of their hard earned cash.

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Extreme axe wielder Nuno Bettencourt, currently serving as Rihanna’s guitar player was so upset when he learned the pop songstress was following ex-boyfriend Chris Brown on Twitter, he savagely beat her with his Les Paul while simultaneously playing his 90’s pop hit “More Than Words”.  Extreme indeed.

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 The Kiss Army now has its own Navy. The veteran rock act has announced the first Kiss Kruise is set to sail this October. We caught up with our own “Deep Throat” contact in the Kiss camp, Paul Stanley’s man servant Raoul as he was finishing cleaning up Paul’s poop deck.  Raoul says he can’t speak for the other members of the band but that Paul is looking forward to being surrounded by seamen. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately depending on your perspective), the band has no plans to allow fans to route the Kiss Kruise.

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In other Kiss news, Gene Simmons daughter Sophie fortunately escaped serious injury when her car was rear-ended and the air bag failed to deploy.  It’s a shame her father wasn’t in the car when the accident happened as he is so full of hot air he could have served the role of the air bag. In a related note, Raoul tells us Paul Stanley has also been rear-ended a time or too.

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FOON talked with Enuff Z’Nuff/Adler’s Appetite bassist Chip Z’nuff on a recent tour stop and he confirmed an upcoming collaboration with former WWE wrestler The Ultimate Warrior.  We here at Back Pages hope this revives the long lost Rock N Wrestling connection.  We look forward to a Bobby The Brain Heenan/Manowar steel-cage match with The Ultimate Warrior/Adler’s Appetite.  Time to invest in baby oil stock!

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Speaking of Manowar, the band has a new tour sponsor. Therafirm.  The Metal Warriors are getting up in years and are using their status as elder statesmen of Power Metal to their advantage.  We bumped into bassist Joey DeMaio outside of Gold’s Gym and he gave us the scoop, “Years of Hailing and Killing have taken their toll on my legs.  Decades of power lifting and kicking the asses of wimps and poseurs have left me with untold varicose veins.  My doctor told me it was time to don orthopedic stockings to relieve my varicosities and lymphedema.  The standard nylon and spandex support hose fall into the realm of “Crackerjack Clothes” and I’ll be damned if I go that route.”  As they say, when one door closes another opens, “The gods were smiling on me when the support hose company Therafirm contacted me”, exclaimed Joey, “They offered to custom design sets of furry support stockings for the band.  This way, we have all the support we need, yet still yield a powerful, manly presence onstage.”  This unique sponsorship will also allow for the development of an exclusive Manowar furry codpiece-hernia belt combination.

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The Cars are out on the road supporting their reunion record Move Like This. We caught the band on their Oakland stop and we can now confirm that like Ben Orr, Ric Ocasek is dead.

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Michael Anthony Steamed

Former Van Halen bassist Michael Anthony got a little red under the collar recently.  Evidently the hard rocking hot-sauce maven is a bit hacked off at all the rock n’ roll competition in the sauce market.  “I know I didn’t invent the stuff but c’mon, does every damn rocker have to shill a hot sauce nowdays?”  The Mad Anthony opined to us during a recent conversation.  “Joe Perry came up with a sauce, then ZZ Top, Zakk Wylde followed, then some cat named Dexter Holland from a band called The Offspring came up with a line of product.  The store shelves only have a small area set aside for hot sauce and these bastards are elbowing me out.  Now I find out that The Beastie Boys have their own line called the Hot Sauce Committee.  Christ, can those guys even play an instrument?  Rappers don’t know shit about hot sauce!”  When we pointed out to Michael that the Beasties new CD is entitled Hot Sauce Committee Part Two and not an actual hot sauce, Anthony guzzled his cocktail and replied, “Huh?  Somebody get me another Waborita, Right Now!”

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Following in the footsteps of best selling tell-alls Keith Richards and Steven Tyler, The Who’s Pete Townshend is releasing his autobiography.  Among the topics rumored to be covered in the memoir is his 2003 arrest for possession of child pornography. Pete now claims that he was just doing research for an album he was making with Gary Glitter.  There is no word at this time if Townshend plans to adapt his book into a musical. We here at the Back Pages hope that Roger Daltrey provides narration for the book on tape version because let’s face it, without Daltrey’s voice; there’s no reason to listen to Pete Townshend.

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CJ Wallace, the son of slain rap legend the Notorious B.I.G. makes his acting debut in the new Will Ferrell flick Everything Must Go.  Sadly, Threepac Shakur, the son of Biggie’s rival Tupac Shakur, has placed a hit on Will Ferrell.

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Alice Cooper’s new record Welcome to my Nightmare 2 is not a direct sequel to the classic 1975 release. The 63-year-old Cooper tells us his most frightening nightmare these days is missing a putt for par on the golf course.

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Fans of the Oprah Winfrey Show were caught off guard at the filming of Oprah’s last show when German heavy metal legends Rammstein were booked as a guest. Lead vocalist Till Lindemann told us that Oprah has been a long time supporter of the band and actually financed their last tour of the United States.

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A follow up to last week’s story on Eddie Trunk and UFO: The death of a close friend has resulted in Eddie Trunk missing the band’s upcoming shows in Chicago. Relieved to hear of Trunk’s change in plans, Phil Mogg tells us the band will play their classic album Phenomenon in its entirety at these shows.

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Shania Twain, the former wife of celebrated music producer Mutt Lange, reveals she is losing her voice. She joins such other singers as Def Leppard’s Joe Elliot and AC/DC’s Brian Johnson who also lost their voice after working with the perfectionist producer. Lange, who is known for demanding extensive re-takes in the studio, denies talk of a “Mutt Curse.” Mutt tells the Back Pages that the vocalists have nothing to complain about “Look what happened to Rick Allen after he worked with me.”

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Fans of Pink Floyd who were hoping for a full tilt reunion of the band had to settle for a pairing of Roger Waters and David Gilmour at Waters recent gig in London.  An attempt by the Irish Republican Army to blow up the stage was foiled when the bomb placed inside the inflatable pig stage prop failed to detonate.  An IRA spokesman says they will not rest until there is no possible way Pink Floyd can reunite.

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Twisted Sister guitar player Jay Jay French recently declared to a Greek website that rock music is dead in the United States.  Twisted Sister will be on the road this year playing to empty houses across the USA.

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Guitar hero Randy Rhoads is getting the Rock Band treatment.  Not only will video game fans be able to download eight legendary songs from his work with Ozzy Osbourne, but also gamers will receive a special flight simulation that will allow them to recreate the plane accident that killed him. If this game is a hit, developers plan to release sequels featuring Otis Redding, Jim Croce, and of course, Lynyrd Skynyrd.

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Wendy Dio has announced a bold new venture in Dio merchandising.  The Dio Direct Marketing Plan.  “Dio Direct is an adventurous new move in product marketing.” States Wendy, “One of Ronnie’s favorite records was The Last In Line.  He was enamored with the culture of ancient Egypt, so we have based this new system on the Pyramid scheme that the album cover was based on.”  The DDMP encourages fans to recruit friends and family in a multi-level marketing sales plan that creates a downline of Dio Distributors and a hierarchy of multiple levels of compensation.  “By joining DDMP, fans can channel their enthusiasm and devotion of Dio into direct income via legitimate business practices.”  However, not all DDMP associates are sold on the idea.  “I’m stuck with a garage full of Killing The Dragon picture discs and Dio Jamba Juice that are gathering dust,” Moans Def Lep guitarist Vivian Campbell, “I’ve alienated all my friends and pissed away all my royalties from my latest record, plus the Dio Jamba Juice gives me the runs.”

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Soundgarden guitar player Kim Thayil says the reunited band is at work on a new record but it won’t be coming out anytime soon. Take your time boys….we’re in no hurry to hear it either.

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Rush is also back in the studio. We hear it’s going to be a concept album on the Canadian Maple Syrup shortage of 1927.

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Dream Theater begins mixing their first album with new drummer Mike Mangini in ten days.  In related news, Mike Portnoy reported to be holding auditions for his Dream Theater tribute band, “C’mon Guys, I Was Just Kidding, I’ll Take You Back Now.”  Portnoy is said to be looking for, “An Italian, An Asian, a bald dude and a Canadian.”

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Ritchie Blackmore Still Sullen

Recent rumors suggested that perennial sourpuss Ritchie Blackmore had softened in recent years and was beginning to sprout the beginnings of a smile.  According to our insider contact, all that changed after a recent Blackmore’s Night gig at a local renaissance fair.  “Over the past decade or so Ritchie nearly grinned a few times.  Once was while watching a rerun of Mr. Bean and another time when a dwarf dressed as a jester slipped and fell in a mud puddle.”  All that took an abrupt turn when looking at raw footage from a recent gig that was filmed for a new DVD.  “Ritchie was looking at crowd footage and realized that not a single person at the gig was paying attention to him.  For years we’ve tried our best to keep it from him but the honest truth is everyone in the crowd spends the entire show trying to look down his wife’s (Candace Night) top.”  “You can’t really fault the punters,” Ritchie’s assistant declared, “she really does have a great rack.”  Upon discovering that no one was really all that interested in seeing him as a wandering minstrel, Ritchie reverted back to his normally pissy self while an onlooker heard Candace retort, “If you keep it up, a bird is going to come by and poop on that lip!”