From Out Of Nowhere

Every week, long time music journalists Lou O'Neill Jr. Jr. and Lou O'Neill IV Esq. will
deliver exclusive insider information, breaking news and rumors behind
some of the biggest stories in music here at FOON's Back Pages!

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HOME	Back Pages May 6, 2011

FOON's Back Pages is a parody, so don't get your panties in a wad!

FOON Exclusive – UFO Tells Eddie Trunk to shut up already

Longtime UFO champion Eddie Trunk told to muzzle it about his long time love for the band. Radio and television personality Eddie Trunk has made no bones about the high regard he holds for English rockers UFO but the band has finally said enough in an exclusive interview with From Out Of Nowhere.

“A few years back one of our mates in the US told us there was this long-winded chap on the radio that kept talking about how great our band is.” States UFO front man Phil Mogg. “We were fine with it at the time; we didn’t have much of a label presence stateside and if a fan of ours was in the position to champion the band, then we were all for it!”

On a quick stateside run, the band finally got a chance to meet Eddie in person and talk with him. Phil told us, “He seemed like a nice enough fella, a bit chatty and seemed to have an opinion on everything, but after working with Michael (Schenker) I was pretty much immune to that sort of thing. He was in a grand mood until we went to give him a t-shirt for his troubles. We didn’t have any shirts in his size and he got a bit bummed out.”

All was fine until a recent record company audit showed some disturbing tallies. “Our records sales really dropped off in America, much more than other artists of our genre, so our label did some demographic studies of some sort.” Phil continued, “The studies showed that the more Eddie talked about us, the worse our album sales got. It turns out that this bloke annoys the shite out of most hard rock fans and when he would continually talk about our band, people would take out their frustrations by not buying our records. I’m all for people liking us, but when it starts cutting into our finances, it’s time to cut bait."

FOON asked the band for a statement and they replied, “UFO would like Eddie Trunk to shut up already about us. We want people to enjoy or dislike us on our own merits. We have enough problems trying to obtain visas for various band members to enter the US; we don’t need some bloody yank screwing up our business even worse. As a band, we would like people to know that it’s not our fault that Eddie Trunk loves us.”

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After turning down a lucrative opportunity to reunite and tour with The Faces, Rod Stewart has signed a two-year deal to play in Las Vegas. Siegfried & Rod will make its debut at Caesar’s Palace this August. Rod turned down our request for comment but his former bandmate Ronnie Wood told us “I hope he gets his bollocks ripped off by a rabid tiger.” We guess the chances of that Faces reunion are now slim and none.

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We caught up with Motorhead legend Lemmy Kilmister after our Pilates class last week. Lemmy tells us after he completes work on the album with the Head Cat, his rockabilly side project with Slim Jim Phantom of the Stray Cats; he plans to work on another side project this time with Peter Garrett of Midnight Oil. Lemmy says we can expect to hear new music from MotorOil in early 2012.

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Friends close to Paul McCartney tell us they are concerned about the legend’s mental health. Macca recently announced plans to marry for a third time, this time businesswoman Nancy Shevell. “What the bloody hell is he thinking?” our source asked us. “Obviously this marriage has a leg up on his last one, but after losing all that money why would he do it again?” The friend tells us Paul’s behavior changed for the worse after remastering the Wings catalog. “No one listens to Wings without being adversely affected. Those records are musical Vietnam.” Get well soon Paul!

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We here at the Back Pages extend our sympathies to Bryan Adams newborn baby. From Out of Nowhere and Back Pages understand that millions have endured great suffering due to the music of Bryan Adams and we pray that a child welfare agency steps in and places the child in the home of someone better able to care for it. If anyone knows how to reach Angelina Jolie, now would be a good time.

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EMI has announced plans to release previously unreleased music from Pink Floyd. In related news, all people of the world capable of hearing plan to boycott EMI.

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Quiet Riot’s upcoming Las Vegas show will feature the return of Paul Shortino, who fronted QR from 1988-1989. We hope the three of you who care about this story appreciate us posting it.

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We here at the Back Pages remember Ronnie James Dio on the first anniversary of his passing. His death left a gaping hole in many hearts and in the music scene. Fortunately, his widow Wendy Dio is now selling his bone marrow on Ronnie’s website. “I just know the fans are still hurting and that they miss Ronnie something terrible” Wendy told us recently. “I know how much Ronnie loved his fans and now they can have a piece of him for just $59.99.” Each bone marrow sample also comes with a picture disc of Dio’s Killing the Dragon album.

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Secret Stuff: Last week we told you about some poison between two crews set to share a summer tour. Now we can tell you after a phone call we received at 6AM this morning, that each band is going to be missing at least one original member. We hope this shakeup doesn’t” mar” the tour but there’s never a “dull”moment with these two bands.

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Def Leppard Lullabies?

eOne Music and Happiness records have announced the release of Dreamin’ With Def Leppard with members Phil Collen and Vivian Campbell turning 12 Def Lep classics into lullabies to rock your children to sleep. Back Pages conferred with famed child psychologist Dr. Hans Fritzer about the link between childhood development and music. “Our studies have shown increased mental acuity and advanced learning skills present in infants and toddlers that were exposed to soft music on a regular basis.” Fritz also added, “The disturbing thing about this situation is that studies have also linked serious developmental and mental disabilities to the rock band Def Leppard. Our research shows that listening to the band’s music for any extended period leads to serious distress of cognitive thought. We’ve seen IQ levels decrease upwards of 60 points in the majority of test subjects, leaving the majority of Def Leppard fans functionally retarded. Exposure at such a young age more than quadruples the chance of your child developing autism. We strongly urge parents to instead play their infants and toddlers bands such as Motorhead, White Zombie or Deep Purple. Years of research have shown us children who listen to these bands double their odds of becoming a member of MENSA.

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Many were caught off guard by KK Downing’s decision to leave Judas Priest right before the start of their farewell tour. We caught up with frontman Rob Halford outside of a bathhouse in Phoenix where he told us “No one should be surprised by this. KK’s leaving the band was predicted by Nostradamus…did no one listen to our last record?”

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God Bless America!

If you’re planning to attend shows on Ted Nugent’s summer tour you’re in for a real treat. Not only is Derek St. Holmes back in the band but also we’re hearing admission is free if you’re a card carrying member of the NRA and attend the show with a visible firearm. Select venues will include a firing range, which will allow concertgoers to try out the Motor City Madman’s new Nuge branded ammo that will be for sale at the merch tent. In additional merchandising news, Ted Nugent is taking the concept of Papa Murphy’s Take & Bake Pizza to an entirely new level. Uncle Ted’s Kill & Grill Buffalo Steak will be opening in 22 markets this summer. Uncle Ted’s will allow you to select and kill a bison of your preference, gut it and select the flanks of your choice to take home and grill. Ted’s management told us, “We had originally planned to let the consumer ride the bison before slaughtering but insurance liability became an issue.”